1. Basic Terms
BDSM
Explanation: BDSM is a term used to describe certain people’s preferences in sexual relationships involving aspects like power dynamics and consensual pain. It consists of three main components, represented by the letters: Bondage & Discipline (BD), Dominance & Submission (D/S), and Sadism & Masochism (S/M).
Note: Remember, BDSM isn’t just B + D + S + M; it’s actually BD + D/S + SM.
Bondage & Discipline (BD or B&D)
Explanation: This involves physical restraints, bondage, and discipline. It can exist independently or be part of broader D/s or S/M dynamics.
Note: If you love just being tied up or restrained but don’t fit the Dom or Sub role, you’re not alone—this one’s for you.
Shibari
Explanation: A subcategory of bondage focusing heavily on the aesthetic aspect rather than simple utility.
Note: Yes, Founder of Lunetime lies quietly in this niche, getting ready for their live performance.
Dominance & Submission (D/S)
Explanation: A core aspect of BDSM involving the exchange of power between individuals, with one party (the Dom) taking control and the other (the Sub) submitting. D/S relationships are often more focused on the psychological aspects of power dynamics. Participants need to discuss physical and mental boundaries, establish safewords, and mutually decide on the activities before engaging.
Note: Guys, just because you see an S doesn’t mean you should instantly start groveling—maintain some class. Check out the detailed guide on the difference between D/s and S/M.
Power Exchange
Explanation: This involves one person voluntarily giving up certain power to another for a set amount of time. Total Power Exchange (TPE) occurs when this power exchange is indefinite. What differentiates BDSM from slavery is that power exchange is entirely consensual.
Note: Power exchange is the essence of BDSM, while mutual consent is the basis for power exchange. Write that down, folks, it’s a freebie.
Sadism & Masochism (S/M)
Explanation: Involves deriving pleasure from inflicting (Sadism) or receiving (Masochism) pain. This can be physical (e.g., spanking) or psychological (e.g., humiliation). The focus here is often on achieving physical satisfaction.
Note: Unlike in some cultures, the terms Dom and Sub are generally preferred over S and M.
Aftercare
Explanation: This is the care and attention given after a BDSM scene to help the participants reconnect with reality. Aftercare is a crucial part of BDSM, offering both physical and emotional comfort, such as cuddling, gentle words, hydration, or warmth.
Note: Being cold and dismissive afterwards can have serious emotional consequences—show some empathy.
Drop
Explanation: A period of emotional instability that can happen after a BDSM scene. It can manifest immediately or after a few hours. Symptoms can include feelings of depression, anger, or sadness. It’s a result of a sudden drop in adrenaline. Subdrop or Domdrop describes when these feelings affect subs or doms respectively. Aftercare plays a key role in minimizing the chances of drop.
Body Worship
Explanation: Involves kissing or licking to show appreciation for parts of the Dom’s body. Note that this is distinct from fetishism, as it’s not primarily about sexual arousal but expressing admiration.
Note: If you’re always yelling, “Show me those feet!”, that’s a fetish, not body worship.
Boot Worship
Explanation: This refers to kissing or worshipping the Dom’s boots, often as a show of respect. It can have an element of ritual or fetishism.
Cuckold
Explanation: A cuckold is a man who takes pleasure in seeing his partner engage in sexual activity with someone else. This can involve the man as a participant or merely an observer. Because it challenges traditional ideals of fidelity, cuckold play often involves social pressures and judgment.
Note: Knock, knock—it’s the forgiveness train, and we’re all aboard.
Cuckquean
Explanation: The female counterpart to a cuckold. In this scenario, a woman may enjoy watching her partner with someone else while being restricted from joining in.
Note: Ehh, can't muster the energy to knock on this one.
Fetish
Explanation: Sexual arousal derived from an object, body part, or activity typically unrelated to sex, such as latex or lingerie.
Note: It’s only a fetish if it triggers sexual arousal. Collecting sneakers doesn’t count.
Grandmother Rule
Explanation: When attending certain BDSM parties, you’re allowed to wear casual clothing that wouldn’t shock your grandmother if she saw you on your way there. It’s about the level of dress code informality at events.
Leather Culture
Explanation: Traditional, old-school BDSM, originating in the post-World War II motorcycle gangs and gay BDSM communities. Women (leatherdykes) began participating around the 1980s. Leather clubs tend to be formal, with ranks that can take years to achieve.
Objectification (Humiliation Play)
Explanation: Refers to treating the Sub as an inanimate object or as something non-human for a period of time, such as a piece of furniture, a pet, or even a doll. It’s a mutually agreed-upon role-play.
Note: This is not meant to demean the Sub; it's about a consensual role that brings satisfaction to all parties involved.
Safeword
Explanation: A pre-arranged word or signal used to immediately stop a scene.
Note: For more details on safewords, check out our comprehensive guide.
Transgender (Ts)
Explanation: People who do not identify with the gender assigned to them at birth. They may present as the gender they identify with, either full-time or in certain circumstances.
Note: Regardless of whether they’ve undergone surgery, a TS person does not identify with their assigned gender.
Crossdress (CD)
Explanation: Refers to wearing clothing typically associated with the opposite gender. Crossdressers identify with their assigned gender but enjoy the clothing or accessories of another.
Note: CDs fully accept their biological gender regardless of how much they enjoy dressing differently.
Vanilla
Explanation: Refers to people or activities not involving BDSM. Often used as the opposite of BDSM or kink.
2. Types of Relationships
24/7
Explanation: A total D/s relationship that is active 24 hours a day, seven days a week, with complete power exchange and no breaks.
Note: People who prefer this type of relationship may have differences with those who advocate for “when on your knees, be a slave; when standing, be an equal”.
FAMILY (Usually Capitalized)
Explanation: A BDSM relationship involving three or more people, often cohabiting. Family dynamics can include various numbers of individuals organized into structures like polyamory or one Dom with multiple Subs.
Note: This group and people who prefer one-on-one dynamics may often find themselves at odds, but neither is inherently superior.
Dollification
Explanation: A form of objectification in which a Sub is psychologically and physically molded into the image of a “doll”. Roles involved are “owner” and “doll”. It represents equality within consent, despite appearances to the contrary.
Note: It’s important to remember that there is no intent to demean—everyone involved is an equal participant in their choice.
3. Play Styles
Age Play
Explanation: One partner (usually the Sub) acts like a child, ranging from infant to young adult, while the other acts as a caregiver. This may or may not include sexual interactions.
Note: This is purely role-play and has no connection to child abuse or pedophilia.
Animal Play
Explanation: Also called Pet Play, involves the Sub adopting the persona of an animal, like a dog or pony. This can include behaviors like barking or crawling and may or may not be sexual.
Note: Animal Play does not involve real animals.
Breath Control
Explanation: The Dom controls the Sub’s breathing through actions like choking. Extremely risky; never attempt without understanding the risks.
Bagging
Explanation: A form of breath control involving covering the Sub’s head with a transparent bag to induce restriction. Dangerous—don’t try this.
Chastity
Explanation: A form of abstinence, usually involving a chastity device to restrict the Sub’s ability to orgasm or touch themselves.
Note: Remember to practice proper hygiene when using a chastity device.
Sensory Deprivation
Explanation: Using tools like blindfolds or earplugs to deprive one or more senses, enhancing the sensitivity of others and often used as a trust-building exercise.
Note: No wonder I get hungry when the lights go out—I lose vision, hunger gets amplified. Makes perfect sense.
Edging
Explanation: Taking the Sub to the edge of orgasm but denying them the release, repeatedly. This can lead to an intense climax if finally allowed or create a sense of frustration that strengthens the Dom-Sub dynamic.
Note: Just like having a piece of food right in front of you, only for it to fall to the floor each time.
Exhibitionism
Explanation: Exhibiting “forbidden” parts of the body or acts to fulfill the Dom’s desire or to humiliate the Sub.
Note: Consent is important in BDSM—when it comes to public exposure, ensure everyone involved is on board to avoid harming innocent bystanders.
Needle Play
Explanation: Temporary subcutaneous piercings using sterile needles. Requires proper knowledge of medical safety.
Forced Orgasm
Explanation: Bringing the Sub to orgasm against their will or ignoring their desire not to.
Note: According to this definition, we also need forced wages, forced food, forced vacations, and forced naps.
Humiliation Play
Explanation: This can vary from light teasing to serious psychological humiliation. The Sub consents and often desires to be humiliated, while the Dom enjoys the power dynamic. It’s important to distinguish it from insults—humiliation in BDSM is about consensual power.
Note: Humiliation isn’t just insults; it also has boundaries that should be communicated beforehand, such as avoiding topics like family or friends.
K-9 Role Play
Explanation: A specific type of animal play where the Sub takes on the characteristics of a dog, focusing on loyalty, obedience, and emotional dependency.
Note: Understanding the why is as important as understanding the what.
4. Roles in BDSM
Brat
Explanation: A Sub who likes to be playful, disobedient, and challenge their Dom. Some Doms enjoy this playful struggle as part of the power dynamic.
Note: For more, check out our guide. Brats are essentially saying, “This is how I show my love.”
Topping From The Bottom (TFTB)
Explanation: A Sub who attempts to manipulate the Dom into satisfying their needs, sometimes through disobedience. Unlike Brats, TFTB individuals aim to disrupt the power exchange.
Note: Brats don’t want to overturn the power dynamic—they just want more of your attention and for you to want to dominate them more. TFTB, on the other hand, genuinely want to undermine you.
Damsel in Distress (DID)
Explanation: A Sub with serious emotional issues, often rooted in trauma. They require professional help before attempting to use a D/s relationship for healing. BDSM is not a substitute for therapy.
White Knight
Explanation: A Dom who seeks to “save” individuals with emotional issues. While their motivations are often admirable, involving themselves without professional guidance can ultimately do more harm than good.
Note: Good intentions aren’t always enough—some situations require a professional.
High Maintenance Submissive
Explanation: A Sub who craves constant attention and needs the D/s relationship to fulfill their daily life, often found in 24/7 dynamics.
Service-Oriented Submissive
Explanation: A Sub who gains satisfaction from providing service, either in a BDSM context or otherwise.
Note: Anyone feeling this way can help clean the board, please.
5. Key Psychological Concepts
Consent
Explanation: The cornerstone of any BDSM relationship—without mutual consent, everything falls apart, and real harm can occur.
Note: This is the most important psychological concept in BDSM. Without it, everything becomes a moral and ethical mess.
Consensual Non-consent
Explanation: The Sub consents to an activity ahead of time but resists or appears unwilling during the act, often to heighten the fantasy (e.g., kidnapping scenes).
Note: Don’t ask why—they're acting the part. For more information, check out the guide on consensual non-consent. The most confusing moment? “I don’t need a safeword.”
6. Niche Subcultures
Spank (SP)
Explanation: Historically, spanking was used as a way to correct behavior and maintain traditional male dominance in relationships. Today, it’s a popular form of play, and some derive pleasure from spanking as a kink.
Spanko
Explanation: Individuals deeply involved in spanking as a kink. Spanko culture is often distinct from mainstream BDSM, and tensions between these communities led to spankos being pushed out of the BDSM scene around 2014 in Texas.
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